Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
