I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My bed smells like the plague
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
