so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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