yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
