Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
