these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
His nipple licking is glorious
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