see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
