I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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