I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
