I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
