Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
