My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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