Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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