I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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