so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm getting married
To pizza
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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