I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
