I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
