So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
