forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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