Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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