when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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