I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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