Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
