I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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