My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Randomize
