drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
