I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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