That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
