I wannas sexs uuuuu
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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