Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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