I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
