Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Found the puke drawer
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
