The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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