i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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