Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he was CRYING into my vagina
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
