Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
