Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
