So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
