You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
