i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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