My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
