Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
