OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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