Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
