I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
