Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
