dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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