Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
