so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
