i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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