dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
