Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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